I have enough trouble with my free will with trying not to jump out of windows every day — but as a childless old lady I gotta go ahead and say this stuff to somebody:
HEY YOUNG PEOPLE! you’d better moisturize your neck! you’d better take care of your teeth as often as your restaurant worker funds allow ! ”tanning” becomes “mottling!” one day your feet will hurt every day for no reason! same deal with your back! drinking & eating becomes a complicated algebra problem where famotidine is the constant and you’re always solving for the unknown hangover!
if you are a lady, then you will gradually and inexplicably become invisible to dudes in your late 30’s! at first this will bum you out a lot! then after awhile you won’t care most of the time! if you are savvy, you can even use your uninvited invisibility as a super-power for eavesdropping and collecting data!
There are some old person consolation prizes and they are:
knowing how to cook delicious food from scratch! knowing how to avoid dating assholes (no matter how cute they are!) getting to be really good friends with your parents (if they are not assholes!) knowing how to grow tomatoes! knowing how to be a good parent to a dog or cat (please forgive me, Chainsaw and Sammich, I didn’t know what I was doing half the time!) really and truly knowing how to have excellent sex with yourself and others! anywhere! any time!
okay menopause — bring it. let’s get this over with. I’m gonna sit on your chest and pound your face into aspic. yes, I’ll be crying the whole time, but my falling tears are gonna sting like hell on your gouged-out skin.
I’m glad that the internet gives me so many more opportunities to say, “Kelly Hogan is one of the most bad ass of all the Bad Ass Music-Making Ladies With Whom I Wish I Could Drink Whiskey. Her cover of “Papa Was a Rodeo” won her a permanent spot in my top five long ago, but it’s nice to get non-musical reminders too.
